Reviewing the Latest Stats from Our Website, DrPsychotic.com

I just went over the stats for DrPsychotic.com and the State of Wisconsin is one of the states that averages more pages per visit than most other states. I guess they really like my CHEESY jokes. Okay, some of you might not get that but the people in Wisconsin will. They understand cheddar better.

The state that averages the most pages per visit out of all 50 states is Delaware with an average of 13.82 pages per visit.  My home state of New Jersey is in 2nd place with an average of 11.03 pages per visit. Not too shabby there Jersey! Or, as some like to say: "Joisey."

The worst states regarding the average number of pages per visit out of all of the states in the U.S. is a three way tie and they are: Alaska, Vermont and Hawaii, with an average of one page per visit. I guess they see that fist page and haul ass out of the site. Sorry you aren't finding what you are looking for. You must not like cheese. Lactose intolerant maybe?

The top five states for overall traffic are in the following order: California, Texas, New Jersey, New York and Florida. the bottom five are: Hawaii, South Dakota, Vermont, North Dakota and Iowa. the people in Hawaii must really hate us because not only do we get very little traffic from them, they pretty much leave right away once they get there. maybe it's the really nice weather. It's just too nice to want to sit inside all day and surf the Net.

The most popular features on the site are the Guitar Lessons and the Mandolin Lessons. Then the Poetry section.

On the international level, we received traffic from 105 different countries. Most of the traffic obviously comes from the United States. But after the U.S. the next five are: Canada, United Kingdom, Australia, India and Sweden. Slovakia and Serbia are tied for the highest average number of pages per visit at 10. I Can't figure out why that is but thanks anyway.

Anyway, in case you were wondering as to where we get our traffic from and what they like or do, you now know a little bit more about us. we hope you have found it somewhat interesting.

Bob Craypoe

Little Known Facts: Volume One - Charles Darwin's Inbred Family.

Many people don't know that Charles Darwin had actually married his first cousin. Well, he did. Charles married his first cousin, Emma Wedgewood.  So apparently, he was not completely opposed to the idea of wedging his wood into a cousin.  In fact, he had 10 inbred children with good old Wedgie. Funny how someone with such "evolved" thinking would have his wife in a constant state of being barefoot and pregnant.

Darwin was best known for establishing that all species of life had descended over time from common ancestors. Apparently his ancestors were a little more common than most people's ancestors. You know, since they married within the family and all. Who knows how many generations of inbred Darwins there were.

We could only hope, though, that the tradition of marrying their cousins eventually would EVOLVE into the practice of actually marrying someone outside of the family; even if only on an occasional basis. You know, just to sort of dilute the overall percentage of inbred-ification. But in spite of the inbreeding, there have been no reports of Darwin having chewed tobacky, having square danced or having played the banjo.

Charles Robert Darwin was born in Shrewsbury, Shropshire, England, on February 12, 1809 at his family home, The Mount. Funny name for a home but it pretty much went with the theme that they liked to mount each other, regardless as to how closely they were related. Darwin was the fifth of six children, so they obviously mounted each other quite frequently up there on that mount. And, with having 10 children of his own, it was also quite obvious that he wanted to continue on with that tradition. Oh yeah, there were a lot of crazy shenanigans going on in those days up in them thar hills.

Do Zombies Poop?

Okay, I was talking to my little niece and the subject of zombies somehow came up. She asked me “Do zombies poop?” I didn't have an answer. Technically, if someone eats they eventually gotta go. But zombies aren't like your average folk.

First of all, a zombie is supposed to be dead, right? So why would it even need to eat? Then they somehow have a craving for live people. I mean, you never see a zombie eating a road kill. No, that would be too convenient because they wouldn't have to kill any people and they would basically be cleaning up the roadways.

Also, zombies go around saying “brains” because I guess it's some kind of delicacy to them yet they eat pretty much any part of the person they kill or attack. And another thing, how can they even see when their eyes are rotting out of their head? I have to wear reading glasses and have some vision problems and I'm pretty much alive for the most part.

Okay, so now the zombie eats. How does he even digest anything? Seriously. I would think that a dead person might have some problems digesting things. Besides, how many times have you seen a zombie with its intestines and other organs hanging out? That has to interfere with proper digestion. I get indigestion if I eat certain foods and my intestinal tract is fully intact. And how come a zombie never gets heartburn when they eat just about anything?

How are zombies able to walk or move? Their brains are rotting. How does a decomposing brain send a signal to a body part to get it to move? And the funny thing is, you have to poke it in the brain to kill it! Ya gotta be kidding me.

So, in conclusion, since none of it makes any sense anyway and zombies do eat and it's gotta go somewhere, I would have to deduce that, yes, zombies probably do poop. They are just very discrete about it.

Photo Credit: "The Quacking Dead" by Bob Craypoe, also known as R. L. Crepeau

Serious Scientific Research: My Toilet Paper Survey

I went to the post office and received my highly classified package. Don’t tell anybody, this will be our little secret. You see, it involves very critical scientific research that has the potential to change the world as we know it. We obviously wouldn’t want this information to fall into the wrong hands.

I'm participating in a toilet tissue survey. I got free sample rolls and I will be given a survey when I'm done trying them out. Truly, this is a tremendous weight of responsibility to have thrust so unexpectedly upon me, but I can’t help but feel that in many ways, life has prepared me for this one moment of truth.

After all, they are placing quite a bit of trust in me. I received 6 free rolls of toilet tissue. That’s at least a few dollars retail. Not to mention the shipping and handling. Then they hope that I will try it and then give them my honest opinion on it afterwards.

However, there are no guarantees that I will do what they want me to do with the toilet tissue. We all know the intended purpose. But who is to say that I don’t use it to wipe my nose? What if I use it to clear the morning crust from the corner of my eye? What if I go out and buy a hamster at the local pet store and use the toilet tissue for the hamster to make a nest of? I could use it to wipe coffee from the kitchen counter top. The list of potential, unintended uses is endless, really.

I will not, however, let the fact that I know that I have them at my mercy affect my self image. After all, I could become arrogant by thinking that my opinion is superior to everyone else’s. You know, since I was one of the chosen few. Then I could say: “I’ll get around to using it. Don’t rush me! Let me have a couple of cups of coffee and a bran muffin. I want to do this thing right!”

Of course I could also be a prima donna about it too. I could refuse to use it until the toilet seat reaches a certain temperature. But that would be childish and I’d like to think I’m above that sort of thing; at least just slightly above that.

Then it also has me wondering if I should try it out in a variety of environments. Like out in the woods behind a tree, in a poorly lit public restroom or in a squalid bus terminal. I mean, you have to wonder if environmental factors will play a roll in its effectiveness. Oh, I meant role. That was pretty funny wasn’t it?  No pun intended.

But seriously folks: I really enjoy participating in such critical scientific research. I am sort of a pioneer venturing into new territory. Not like Lewis and Clark, mind you. They probably had to use leaves, anyway. Just think about the advancements that will be made. The way it will add to the quality of life of everyone throughout the world.

I guess that’s where the true reward is. Just knowing how much I contributed to society, the world, oh what the hell, mankind too! No, I will not take this responsibility lightly. I will take it with the seriousness it was intended. Yes, I will do my civic duty and fulfill my responsibilities!

Okay, maybe it isn’t such a big deal to participate in a study on toilet tissue. But when you’re bored and have nothing more interesting going on in your life, you have to exaggerate about the few uninteresting things that do happen.

Supersize Me Just for Spite!

It seems I can't read a newspaper or watch a news program on TV anymore without any mention of how some local governments want to put restrictions on fast food restaurants because their food isn't exactly the most healthy food to eat. They are even branching out further now by attempting to put restrictions on other restaurants. It's almost getting to the point where you want to say “Supersize me!”, just for spite.

First off, San Francisco wants to ban toys from Happy Meals because it supposedly encourages kids to want to eat an unhealthy meal. Well, it's not the kids who are paying for the meals. It's their parents that are picking up the tab. Mom or Dad don't necessarily have to take the kids to McDonalds or Burger King. Yet, for some reason they do. One reason is that it's quick. If the parents have a busy schedule, they might stop off at a fast food place to pick up a meal real quick and then drive off to that place they seem to be in such a hurry to get to. Sometimes they just don't feel like preparing a meal at home. Sometimes they stop off at a fast food place due to their own laziness.

Oh, and if you think taking a toy out of a happy meal is really going to achieve anything but make a fat kid slightly less happy, you're living in a dream world. They have shakes, fries, burgers, chicken nuggets and other yummy things at these places. How many times would a kid turn down ice cream if offered some? It just isn't in their nature. Isn't a vanilla shake just as yummy as ice cream? Then throw in some fries and a burger and you got yourself a real treat. They may not have a toy to play with in order to pass the time but they can still engage in one of America's great pastimes. You know, the great American pastime called gluttony!

Now, do you really think people go to McDonalds, Burger King or Kentucky Fried Chicken to eat a healthy meal? They go there because it tastes good and it's fast. How many drive-throughs do you see that offer healthy foods? Yeah, I want my organic celery fast! Hey, throw in that head of lettuce too, who needs greasy old fries? Give me some carrot sticks. How about a spinach smoothie? Yummy.

Now there is a big campaign against salt. Apparently many restaurants have a tendency to overuse it. This is not healthy. However, not everybody eats at fast food places every day. So an occasional stop at one of those places isn't too bad. It's the people who stop there several times a week that seem to have a problem. You can close down every fast food place in operation and those people will just buy junk food at the grocery store. Oh, what an inconvenience that is to have to microwave a frozen White Castle burger purchased from a grocery store as opposed to stopping off at a White Castle to get one someone microwaves for you. Yes, they do have White castle burgers in the frozen food section and they are quite scrumptious, I assure you.

Oh, so now we have to cut out the salt or fat content in the frozen foods you can purchase at the grocery store. So where exactly does this all end? My point is (and there is a point here) that you can do just so much to protect people from themselves. Stupid people will always do stupid things. Irresponsible people will always do irresponsible things. You can't legislate common sense. Everybody should realize that there is a price to pay for unhealthy living. Eating a lot of fattening foods overly salty or sugar-filled treats on a daily basis is just not healthy. Don't we all already know this?

If we all already know these things, why do we still eat like slop-hogs at a trough? Well, I would suspect that there are a number of reasons. Lack of self control, laziness, a self-destructive personality, depression, any number of things really. Can legislation make someone happier to the point where they won't go on a wild junk food binge? Can you legislate that someone not get depressed and try to comfort themselves with a big bowl of ice cream? I think not.

My point is that people are going to eat unhealthy no matter what the government legislates. So what exactly is the point in making things more difficult for those who only have a Whopper every now and then? It's ridiculous. I say “Supersize me” just for spite!